i guess i got it wrong. it's not the few questions that'll determine my fate, but You. You see it all coming, and everything is according to Your plans. please allow me to follow Your will, and nothing else. cos i wanna know Your heartbeat and walk closer to You with every step i take :)

feel much btr typing it down, dunno why. oops was supposed to pray the above :X

hehe i think God's constantly testing me so soon alr this year, it's just so epic. needa be more disciplined! and lead a prayerful life, keeping all distractions out of my mind. it's gonna be a blast!

okay a short update:

service was greaaaaaaat i wish it would last longer esp worship. whole world, whole city. thank goodness i brought my notepad.

had sunday shopping w kokkiri lilypig sushi and mozzie :D we finally met aft a massive operation of phone calls, msn convos and fb comments. had so much fun since we haven't went shopping tgt bef (omg i can't believe it)we were being such a joke. thanks sushi for staying slightly later! bought a white jacket which is really functional.

lg was on wed. thanks jolyn for the pizzas and indo food! :D super inspired to learn guitar. but ow will hate calluses :(

jiayou w work/interviews/applications everyone!

Labels: God, reflection

joel's farewell was awesome! games were v well-planned since only had two days or so to plan/prepare! thank you everyone! as usual affirmation/praying was the best part next to cooking! :) ohhhh and i'm super impressed w the food hahaha! esp mashed potatoes :) zixuan and kellie's mad mashing skills, joel's zai chopping skills, glad's uber minced garlic, and jolyn's baked eggs!

caught up w zt today in sch aft collecting testimonial :D but didn't take pics omg :( ate club sandwich too, was awesome. gosh she'd better be immune to my cough, else i'll be the culprit :(

whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. gahh. i caught a flu, fever and throat infection! it's been almost a week and i'm on the way to recovery now but the feeling just sucks. feeling waaaaay pessimistic now, aft all i've missed service and lg in a row.

i can't even enter an air-con room, else my throat gets all uncomfortable and i'll start tearing. wonder what the heck's wrong. self-medicated but might be going to the doc's later cos i ran out of med :(

so it's been tv, comp, sleep, reading the Bible/daily bread, popping med, trying to laugh w/o hurting my throat, suppressing my voice etc. nothing interesting. i keep getting emotional for no apparent reason these days. mad case of moodswings. okay really needa learn to grow grow grow spiritually and stop being so selfish and jealous and lazy and holding everyth back. :( this week i discovered a lot of my flaws and realised i'm damn unsatisfactory. haven't made God smile today, nor this whole week. :( need to stop sinning.

on a sidenote, found shows worth watching. i'm having an obsession w cooking shows/competitions these days. haha. Happy Lunchbox and Yes Chef. :D shall watch the rest online if i'm still sick tmr.

Labels: reflection, sick

woohoo these few days have been really hectic but fulfilling.

finally got to meet up w the girls on 30th!! :D mind cafe was cool but i think i overspent, spaghetti wasn't good but lasagne was awesome! had a ball of a time w lame games and cluedo :) and coming up w unique names for nicballoontan.

year-end service was uber awesome and inspiring. i had my spirit renewed, instead of feeling really convicted and guilty like the usual times. of course i still felt i could be pushed to do better for Him, but it was less of guilt and more of strength coming from Him. also, thank God for the inspiring stories our leaders told us. thank God for my brothers who prayed for me. that was really touching. thank God for bringing liying to church for the third time. thank God for the heart-warming affirmations for yilin.

just wna rmb the stories which inspired me:

1. the story about the baton. bef taking the baton and passing it on, we often feel weak, inadequate and inferior, as if we're not fit to pass it on. but doubting in our strength is doubting in His even more, for God gives us all we need and makes us sufficient to do what is right in His eyes. (okay this part i was feeling so damn cui3 alr so can't recall the exact story)

2. the rocks story. in this life, we constantly chase things like pride, reputation, money, and career which in the end, do not matter much as they do not last for eternity. when we look back, they are mere rocks which are weighing us down. learn to see what really matters. (link to devotions: only what is done for His kingdom will last)

3. letter story. before christmas, bridgette wrote a letter blessing a random stranger on the train. months later, the stranger's eldest daughter from malaysia became her friend and came to church. we do not realise what simple acts can do, but God has things all figured out and makes the unexpected happen.

4. raphael's story. was really touching. :'(

sermon by raphael was damn good, my favourite so far! :) then dinner & yilin's celeb, and games @ istana park. omg saboteur really got us hyped up and we didn't get to play other games.

countdown was awesome! managed to reach home bef that. screamed for minutes. this year's fireworks were beautiful. seriously downright beautiful. :D korean golden disc awards till 2am and i fell asleep.

popiah at ahma's ytd! :D finally got to meet her aft so long. :')

btw the free promo stuff on mioTV is awesome. watched glee mvs and i really like their rendition of teenage dream! :D gave me goosebumps. i also love mercedes' worship song! it moved me to tears. also watched Still, Marry Me ep 1 and it looks good :D

shopping w loved ones, helping sean move house maybe, lunch w jolyn, photog/piggy date w denise, and time to get stressed out about my resumes and interviews? sigh. and i'm waiting for zt to return from bintan/sunway lagoon. :)

fasting from online games for the moment. fb pls don't tempt me. :)

Bible Verse of the Day:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! – 2 Corinthians 5:17

When a new year rolls around we often feel regret for the past or great hope for the future…or both! But what hope do we have of really having a “new year” if we are the same ol’ people? This passage tells us that when someone has dedicated their life to following Jesus, they are re-made. Not just rehabilitated or reformed, but re-created-a new person. We’re not talking about a new way of doing or not doing things, or a different way of behaving, but in Christ we are now new creations. However, we must yield to the perfecting work of the Holy Spirit to experience this new creation work in our lives. This new life is not something that WE muster up. It is the gift of God given and kept by the Spirit. Today, this year and forever.

Labels: God, outing, reflection

woohoo back from txy camp :D it was awesome! overall it was better than i expected. the people i knew were nice, and though some parts were rather -_____-, i'm sure the ICs spent a lot of hard work planning, so thank you! big thank you to gongwei, syd, dancers, logistics, food ICs etc! :) most imptly THANK YOU GRP LEADERS :) really hope my group members can still keep in touch, though we won't be seeing much of each other. hopefully still can work tgt for 会讯s. yeah quite impossible :( dunno why i'm ranting on since nobody from icamp's gonna read this lol. really hope i can go around taking pics during next year's camp :)

slept 12hours last night from 10pm when i wanted to sleep in the aftnoon. and grr now i'm sick and had to miss combined lg. wthwthwthwth baking sounds uber fun :(
been sneezing like mad since when i woke up, and thought i was having a throat infection. but lucky i can talk now :D surprisingly aft i just took flu med, i'm feeling so energetic now! woohoo!

gahh life's so hectic now! but i'm loving it! bef i know it, it's gonna be christmas! :D i think God has been speaking to me! really appreciate these moments in life.

read this comic book my sis borrowed fm her friend, and i'm in awe. i'm not really into comics actually but this time the illustrations really got to me. they're pleasing to the eye, cute but sad at the same time. pastel colours ftw! i thought the author was a female cos it had several emo insights about love. i thought only girls would harp so much on these issues.


but what's more rare are the insights about diff issues in life. some common, but others more distant for me - friendship's fragility, the mass media's superficiality, war etc. it really got me thinking. and of course since i identified w some things he mentioned, it was more deeply etched in my mind.



btw it's called blue cookies, part 3 from the MY WAY series. author: 寂地。hope i can get my hands on all 3 books :D


smth from Bible Verse of the Day:
God uses ordinary people to glorify His name.

+
"And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him, to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins" – Luke 1:76-77

Zechariah was speaking to his newly born son who would become John the Baptist. Notice what he prophetically speaks to John and ultimately to us: We come to the knowledge of salvation when we understand our sin and the need for forgiveness. We can talk of Jesus being our Savior, but do we realize that means we are not able to change ourselves and need to be rescued? The good news becomes good when we truly realize the state of our souls before God. The birth of John the Baptist reminds us that we are more flawed than we want to admit, but more loved than we could dream. This exposes our fallen nature while embracing the love of God. This empowers us with salvation.

this spoke to me. i have this really bad habit of running away from what i perceive as difficult, and taking things too seriously. i'm not confident. should stop giving excuses for myself! i'm such a 懦夫 omg. think i really need to do truckloads of reflection. everytime i start thinking, negative thoughts keep filling up my mind. still, i'm determined to reflect and spend more time w You. how long will it take for me to break out of this trap i created for myself? soon, i hope. i hope these scars will soon be healed by You. and i know there's a reason for the things You present to me in my life.

i don't even know i'm over/underestimating myself. maybe it's cos i don't have expectations of myself. i hate expectations. i hate disappointment. i'm new and inexperienced, still growing. i think i'm expected to outreach to ppl. and when i can't even express my feelings to people close to me, it really sucks. barriers keep forming. the closest people don't know me sometimes. i don't know them too. and for the people who don't, the superficiality, it just gets to me.

last week's service really got me bawling. i dunno for what reason, but i've been breaking down too often lately. need to really get more fresh bread from God :)
self reminder! rmb this verse from hillsong:
We are living to make
Your Name high Jesus
Living to make Your Name high Jesus
You gave what the world couldn’t offer us
Say what they want
Say what they want
We are free

Labels: camp, God, reflection

needa clear the thoughts from my head. it seems like when i think positive thoughts they're immediately drowned by negative ones.
i need to escape to somewhere, some place of fiction, some place where no one can see me, where no one knows me.
yet i know i'll miss this place.
argh just need some time alone to cry? i guess that's the only way to let my emotions escape without burdening myself any further.
i don't think there's any need for me to update on events, cos i've found another way of keeping track. (photos, neoprints, mementos, flyers, brochures, papers)
so this place will just be for my emotions / thoughts. :)
been a hectic week of being w people, seems like i really need time alone. not even talking w my family helps i think.
i really dno what's wrong w me.
God i really need your Word but i'm too lethargic to do anyth anymore. i sleep more than 10hours a day and still am tired. it feels like i'm living in this abyss, i don't even have the motivation to reach out for my dreams.
and it does feel that i'm straying further from You yet i really don't want that to happen.
please speak to me, guide me to what is right.
i think i need a sidekick to talk to, about my deepest darkest secrets, emotions, etc.
how to go beyond the superficial?
ohwell i hope it's just my moodswings. urgh hate this feeling.
yeah but nothing will stop me from loving You, that's for certain. still trying hard to trust people more but i guess that's a scar that'll last for quite a while more. but i think i'm making improvements :)
WFL prompted me to start thinking about how i've changed for the better aft knowing God, and i'm still compiling the list in my head haha. hopefully each day there'll be smth more to add to the list!
note to self: fasting from youtube except for worship songs!
lastly, thank You for all the little surprises and instances of love in my life!
okay, now for hectic Dec. schedules packed ttm. that really wasn't how i imagined post A's to be! but i'll persevere :)
music on klove heals me. cos it's music for Your people and for You.

Your body’s the bread, Your blood is the wine
Because You traded Your life for mine

Labels: busy, God, reflection, sad, sian

Things I've learnt this year:

# You don't have to reciprocate feelings. You don't have to dislike people who dislike you. (Hate is a strong word) Instead, just prove to him/her by actions.
# Angel in Disguise by Corrinne May is the greatest song this moment! (okay this doesn't count)
# (I swear I typed 'Joe Jonas is a jerk' but I don't think I feel that way anymore)
# Whatever happened one year ago was a dream.
# I don't deserve anything as much as you do.
# This one's really dumb, not only _ people deserve to be loved, because everything's only superficial
# The only things you can't leave behind for the new year are 1400 words.

I'd better stop.

New Year resolution's private. :D

I suppose I just have to be contented. I just really don't like prejudice. I just keep trying to be someone you can count on, but she always does it better anyway.

Labels: reflection

ohman i'm so hooked onto taylor swift's songs. but too bad i dont have all, only teardrops on my guitar and our song ): she has such a beautiful voice!

i love mary's song by her too! :D anyone has it? purleaseee send me & you'll be my saviour! (:

wonder if i could just go down to the cd store to get her album. but my wallet doesn't allow me ): sigh. & i feel bad asking ft to send me her songs too ): thanks, girl!

doing my lovely portfolio now and the even more so lovely chem eposter that i didnt know about till ytd. great.

haha, zt just imparted some wonderful skill to me :D yay!

i hope bio blog is going fine in mdm loh's eyes. okay what the heck am i talking about ahha. shall go search for ppl's bio blog! arharh.

friday, angsanas at the beach! (:

;
don't read on if you havent seen the emo side of me. because it'll scare you.

those memories are at the back of my head, just like in the 'oldest' posts in blogger. i just didnt want to trigger them, till just now.

i was so dumb in the past. why did i end up like that? i cared too much. even when i was on the losing end, i still put in my heart and soul. what sort of intelligence is this?! i got nothing back. unless you call hatred something. i put in my health, my energy, my heart and soul, and i got nothing back. you can say it's my fault, but i didnt want that to happen.

i should've given up earlier. i dont know lah. it's just fate that god put me through this. i could've ended up someplace else, but then, i actually cried when i found out the truth at first. it still ended up to be fate torturing me.

i thought i had everything including the pain, but then i lost everything, and the pain remained. now you have to make me cut my wounds again by doing some dumb thing that has no meaning. i wouldn't care less, but some people do.

Labels: reflection, sad