You really catch me off-guard at moments like this. thank You so much. :D even when the world falls apart, i know i have You.

the picture's kinda starting to unravel. slowly. hopefully.

on the way to maturity. slowly but surely. even if it means denying the old me. studying overseas is a surefire way of growing. and i'm beginning to see how Your plan for me goes, though i don't think i'll ever know, until the ending arrives.

like what someone once said, sometimes i've just gotta stop questioning, and just do it by faith. radical.

i dunno if my dreams will turn into reality. but i've got You to help me and that's all that matters, no? :)

hope conference was such a blast. exceeded all expectations. miracles seen, hearts broken and healed.

there's still a long way to go. but dwelling in Him and gonna listen to the Holy Spirit's voice blast in me such that i'll not let opportunities come to pass. my heart bleeds for those who do not know of Jesus' love for them yet. won by one, one by one.

day 1 (in non-chrono order):

"challenge yourself to be challenged." thank You for this sister.

God gave me a vision that is close to my heart. He showed me a blade cutting through cloth binded by unwanted threads. the blade represents courage which i'll rcv with faith and His power. the threads rep the traps that the devil sets. cloth - heart. the end product, untainted and unmangled cloth, can then be used for so many purposes. "spread love."

confirmed my path to take communications. need to pray about this some more. translation. for publications like The Daily Bread. write songs for Jesus. (no idea how i'm gonna do that)

be the salt in my family. sow on my grandma, mum and bring them to Mandarin service.

prayed for my family. "at this moment, something is changing and stirring in their hearts."

prayed for the prison and walls of inferiority around me to disintegrate.

don't let the devil diminish you. don't let others tell you who you are.

King of courage and strength. fall back upon Him. proud to be a child of God.

Rev Mark's story about red hair - still on fire for Jesus. see the good things.

we do not set out to be an inspiration. that's not an end in itself. - refer to notes.

day 2:

kairos - pouring our hearts out. bleeding for those who are lost in this world. they are loved yet they don't even know.

prayed for to have an inkling of what to do in China. perhaps start a uni LG. 1.3bn people, i wna make an impact.

forgive. we hold grudges w some ppl and we tend to forget over time, but our hurt is reminded when we see them again. forgive cos we are forgiven at the cross, when Jesus took upon all our sins.

teachings by Reverend Mark shed light to Christian life and answered my doubts about what is considered a luxury / necessity. have hobbies to refresh ourselves! rhythm and pace. like a series of heartbeats.

marathon. not how fast you go, but how long you last.

told God to keep me accountable, in terms of reducing not-so-spiritual things.

second vision i had: prisoners with hands tied, walking towards a door, led by a few ppl beside them. but when they exited through the door, they transformed into birds, and flew into the sky, seeking freedom.

pls not let this be just a fleeting passion. let it be deeply rooted in my heart, and produce seeds which will be fruitful.

Labels: God

thank You for speaking to me, through the leaders (pastor, worship and unit) and song lyrics. about Your call, mission trips, life overseas, and bringing my family to Christ. it's times like this that i feel really blessed. i know it's not a mere coincidence. :) could really feel the Holy Spirit upon us during service today.

there're so many things my heart breaks for, and my fists clench for. the victims of lack of information, and horrendous misconceptions which bring harm upon people. victims of abuse. victims of slavery. yet i know i have to be fully equipped bef i can actually go and venture out. so yes, i'll be patient and grow to be deeply rooted in His word, and wait for the correct moment to strike and go all out. time is of the essence, yet His plans are above all else.

in the meantime, i'll do everything in love. more people, more like Jesus.

few things to remember:
1. read the useful notes from sheppy :)
2. pray about chairs for soul
3. pray about NYC camp
4. mission trip
5. constant regular QT

Labels: God

i'm tired of struggling with myself. escaping into fiction.
i know better than to waste my life away like this, especially since it's the last few months i can spend w my family and friends.
but i'm just so let down by humanity. fallible beings.
all this feels like a fabricated lie.
my faith seems to be drowning.

unknown phobias, lurking dangerously around the corner, illuminated by our consciousness.
masks which we create and delicately add layer by layer so no one can possibly peer beneath - the grotesque closeness.
hands entangled in massive obsessive webs; so busy being involved to notice they have been entrapped, deeper and deeper until there's no turning back, until a self-fulfilling prison is built brick by brick.
i hate that i'm succumbing to all this (or will, in no time). i hate the practicality of all this. but this is life, just not the life i want.

i will fight you. no matter how unsure i am of myself, i will. step by step, He'll guide me.

last youth service at nexus ytd. can't bear to leave. this place was when i first knew Christ, sitting in one of the green chairs on the left near the stage. then, one year later, in one of the green chairs on the right, i rcved Christ and the Holy Spirit. that was when i first experienced His mercy & grace :')

since then, i've been looking fwd to sats when i can praise & worship God! it's an amazing feeling to be able to converse w God and listen to His advice and thank Him tgt with a whole big group of ppl, compared to just praying at home/work. most memorable session was praise&worship during metamorphosis, when we just poured out all our troubles, and came tgt to pray for consec 3 hours. two is better than one in prayer. "I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." - Matthew 18:19-20

also, the atmosphere's so amped up during youth service. and the sermons, they're just so applicable and i'm able to relate to them so well. awesome pastors who preach from the Word yet make it relevant to our daily lives. awesome online sermon resources for when we miss out services. i feel just so privileged to be in this church and serving w a group of awesome lg mates. it's a blessing i won't take for granted. :)

guess i still feel like a kid. i know i'm gonna have to get used to the more serious atmosphere in uni service. :( e.g. no jumping and fewer/softer amens? but i have to really be more mature and stop seeing myself as a kid. in the meantime, recalled what yangs told me about God caring for His children who have innocence. guess i have to strike a balance btn maturing and still maintaining a child-like worldview, cos it's in a child's eyes that more things are discovered and renewed. stop being so jaded, there're things to be thankful for every day :)

what xiangyu said ytd really jolted me. don't insult God by settling for smth small. God did not create you and plant His word in you and give you the Great Commission just so you can be satisfied with your current situation. He wants you to get out of your comfort zone, break barriers, dream big, and do radical things. (Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. - Matthew 28:19-20) make disciples, by contributing/serving through smth you are good in, no matter how small you think it is. when you're belittling yourself, you're belittling your Father's power for He gave you talents and much more.

really thankful for Jol who prayed for me. she really inspired me to improve my prayer life. take care girl!! thank God for our bros&sis for winning the car challenge and donating all proceeds to the CBF :D the number of chairs will be doubled!

somehow there doesn't seem to be enough time/energy to get to know each and every brother and sister. :( esp now w work. argh. i wna do serious fellowshipping soon. and serving w them. also, i wna catch up w my friends too.

goal for my role in lg:
to serve in at least one comm service, helping to plan bef hand
improve my prayer and be more spirit-led
plan my time such that i can spend more time w lg, not compromising family time (though i'm a srsly disorganised person boo)
flea mkt shopping w them! hahaha.

mission trip!!

and little things which were incomprehensible just finally all make sense now. :D all the missing pieces finally gathered into a complete picture.
from now on i'll be posting sermon/lg teaching points, since my handwriting's getting real bad and sermon notebook's screwed up.

Labels: God