i'm having mixed emotions. too much to tell.

firstly, i'd like to apologise to all tongjies in guides. sorry for not being able to pia tgt with you during pt or guides activity these few weeks. to seniors: i'm sorry for letting you down. i'm the only sec 3 in my patrol, and yet i've shown such stupid leadership skills. hope you'll give me some time, although my gastric problem's getting in my way, i'll try to pia harder & make my juniors obey me. i know it's hard (esp my problematic junior) but i'll try.

went to the gastric specialist today. i felt relaxed talking to her and although she asked too many questions about my daily life, i still could tell her everything. didn't feel the usual obstacle i had when talking to strangers. she gave me a few motivating words.

"everywhere you go, whatever you work as, there'll always be stress. it's only up to you to pick up the good parts of life. it depends on how you view stress and overcome it. just treat the obstacles in life as challenges, because that's what i do."etcetc. but they're really meaningful, and i didn't feel that she was preaching.

wth. now i'm so stuck. i'm supposed to quit guides, that's what my family and the doc's been advising me to do, but i know i can't. i know seniors already hate me for skipping so many guides activities and leaving the juniors struggling alone. but it's not that i want to. it would be great if i didn't have gastric at all, but life's not fair. i've never had this prob till i joined guides. blame it on myself then.

but my mum's spoken to mrs chin, and she said she'll excuse me from running cos before running we're supp to have light lunch which i can't cos i need to eat. i think that was the cause of my gastric. but guides 不是跑就是飞，and now i can't run. wth.

i'm not blaming anyone. i'm just frustrated. why must i get gastric like, now? why can't i get it a few years later or sth. and i think i know why. cos life's unfair. and there goes the story of the five fingers, about why they weren't all born of a same length.