i hate this world. not just the 'school is sian', but also, friends are superficial, passions are fading, even the bond which i was so sure of seems to be fake all this while.

indeed, friends are quite superficial. i mean, you can hardly find anyone who would stick with you through times of good and bad, share your woes. and they won't just dump you or leave you alone to cry in a corner when you're down.

i especially hate the comparing of marks. what's the point anyway. when you get good grades, others probably don't. so you should be humble, try to cheer those who didn't do so well up. but some people just don't get it. they keep saying 'aiyah so-and-so is better, go kill him/her'. like what's the point if you say who's better. i won't say it's acting humble, but seriously. what's the freaking point of comparing marks?

compete with yourself. that's what i believe in. guess i don't have to say much for that point.

even i myself don't understand what the heck i'm typing now. but this is exactly what i'm feeling now. getting emo nowadays, i don't know why.

the passion is fading. not because of itself, but because of me. freaking me again. i don't even make a difference whether i'm in it or not. everyone hates me. what's the use of staying on and working hard when you know people don't even care if you're dead or alive. well maybe they would, but that's exactly their job isn't it? if a leader's job is to lead a group of people and take care of them, does he look after them simply because it's his job? or because he feels that it's natural to care for the people.

and now, the bond. not the one in merchant of venice, for goodness sake. take yesterday's balling for instance. it really didn't make a difference even if i fainted halfway, or just dropped out for no reason, did it? i was ms. invisible once again. they didn't realise something; didn't see my crestfallen face, didn't see how hard i tried to be part of the game. didnt see me half-crying. didn't see me. u know what they saw? the rest of them, the ball, themselves, the captain, the scores.

how much i wanted to share the spirit. to be part of the pia-ing. to make a difference. well, i probably will, and that is to make things worse. why was i so optimistic all alone, thinking i really could be part of the spirit and make a difference? it was all an illusion. an illusion that won't come true. i guess i won't cry when 2D parts. i won't even care anyway, since nobody does.

it was mentioned earlier this morning by shouyi who was discharged fm hospital, that no one in dhs won't get left behind. is this yet another one of the lies? because if i were shouyi, no one's gonna care. serious. not cursing myself or anything, but that's the whole freaking point i wanna get across.

;
just met a friend on friendster, don't think she'll ever want to know who i am.